Comparison Robs and Reveals

Recently I saw a video of a guy succeeding at something in a gym or at least that was the assumption based on what was shown. Seeing the video made me really happy because this person is someone I truly like and probably one of the most kind, humble, and genuine people I have encountered at this particular gym.

It also made me pause, reflect, and even ask a few questions.

Was that success to him?

What has this individual overcome internally and externally to achieve what he achieved?

What would be the most helpful thing the community could say or do to acknowledge what we witnessed meaning how would he want to be celebrated if at all?

Further I wondered about how others witnessing this might feel and respond.

It’s easy to compare. It’s easy to even feel like a failure in that comparison. It’s easy to even want to achieve what others can achieve but what if that isn’t the deepest goal?

What if underneath it all we all want to be loved, feel successful (however that is defined), and want to be celebrated. What if we all just want to feel capable and invited in and worthy of?

Of course this can show up in so many ways and while goals are great and wanting to be a better version of us then we were yesterday is an admirable goal, I wonder if we are able to allow ourselves to go just a layer deeper. Into our hearts and souls and explore what is happening for us and even notice how we might be feeling or responding.

It perhaps is what tells us where we are, what we need, and even at times where our work lies. I know I am grateful for the ways seeing one persons success (or perceived success) allowed me to more fully see me and helped me to continue to unpack this idea of comparison and explore it further.

To give a bit of context to my thoughts I will start by saying it is not uncommon on a weeknight and after a workout for my husband and I to be heating up dinner and discussing the workout of the day or even talking about our own accomplishments or the ways we struggled. 

Another piece of information that seems relevant is that Mylon is often what I would consider (and others probably would to) successful at the workouts. It is not uncommon for new people to be surprised at “how strong he is”; “how good he is”; “how quick he is”, and the list goes on and on. Then you have me his wife over here like, “yes, that’s my husband”. If you have heard me say this, you might have seen an eye roll or two if I am being honest. 

  

While we for sure joke about it at times we also go deeper into discussion and what we land on (and especially Mylon) is that we never want anyone to quit because they are not where we are. 

We want to celebrate and acknowledge the person who gave it their best by showing up or worked so hard while doing that modification. We equally celebrate the person who listened to what their body was saying and instead of adding weight to the bar, they grabbed the training bar. We celebrate all these because they are worth celebrating. 

Comparison so often robs us of our ability to listen to what our OWN hearts and bodies are saying. One way I think about it is as if in comparison one becomes the louder or quieter versus one's own sound simply being their own sound.

Comparison perhaps sets us up to be on a treadmill of performance but rather than it even being about running our own race, we begin to look to others instead of within. It is easy to get lost when we are looking all around and it is hard to look within when we are looking all around. Even deeper, perhaps it places us in the land of unrealistic expectations which can then lead to disappointment or even puts a hierarchy into place as if one is better when they can “_______”. I would wonder if they are better AT ________. The AT being tremendously important. Yes, there are people better than me at pull-ups if we are stating better as who can do more pull-ups but it is important to state it as they are better at pull-ups rather then they are better. Language matters and what we tell ourselves can both be an indicator of our beliefs and also have an impact on our beliefs and behaviors. 

So this week in reflecting further I came back to the question of what are my goals? Is it 20 pull-ups or is it to give it 100% when I workout? Is it to be in the gym 4 days a week or is it to have days where work takes priority and I put more effort into who I am as a therapist than who I am as an athlete. For me, the awareness and choice is vital. I choose to travel and yes, that sometimes means I don’t have the same consistency at the gym as I would if I did not. I can own that choice. So when I am wanting or slipping into comparison I come back to my choice and then consider, “do I want to keep choosing this or change my choice”. Choice is not a one time thing but an ongoing process. This week I once again had to choose that I cannot be good at everything and sink a bit more into acceptance around that. It is literally impossible to be good at everything there is in this world.

In fact, I have never met anyone that would state this as realistic, yet so often I hear myself and others placing pressure on ourselves to be good at more than is perhaps realistically possible. 

An example of this might be me wanting to be great at skiing or even getting jealous of others who are and the acceptance piece is when I can accept that I will never likely be amazing at skiing because I choose to live in the south and take vacations to islands. This is my choice. As I land in this choice it becomes easier for me to hold that yes, while I would love to be great at skiing too, I have made this choice and I am unwilling to sacrifice the things it would require me to sacrifice for this to be different. 

So when I am tempted to compare, I hope to remember to place my hands on my heart and check-in with what is coming up for me, and then return to the place that is in alignment with my own heart and soul.