EMDR Training and The Trail

EMDR day 4. Each day has revealed something. Today, day four confirmed that EMDR training is intense. Any training is a lot but 4 days of EMDR is a whole new level. EMDR stands for Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and is used to process trauma. 

So essentially, this means I have spent the last four days talking about, hearing, and processing trauma. I will spare any readers the details. Needless to say by 5pm today I was more than ready for a run and some outside time. 

Thankfully, a fellow trainee asked me yesterday “what are you doing for fun after the training?” This reminded me I did in fact need to have some fun and not just continue working after the training. He also told me about a super close by trail and hours later that I was on the start of that trail. 

At the start I checked in with myself as I often do and realized my fatigue level and also the readiness I had to move. On a deeper level though I realized the weariness I was carrying from the day. The overwhelming feeling of the how much trauma exists in my world and the world. If I am honest, there was a moment of feeling less than hopeful. Weary is probably the more accurate term. I held the thought of its a lot and that’s okay while I also held the recognition the way you navigate anything is simply one step at a time.

So I started mile one of 6 noticing. Noticing my need for this fun and for the reminder from the clouds and the beauty around. By the time I had reached mile one I noticed how my body felt and how truly tired I was from the long week. A previous injury was also talking to me and I thought, “maybe I should EMDR that”. It's now the running constant joke in my head. I apologize to all my friends in advance because for he next week I will likely be thinking constantly, “We could EMDR that”. 

As I continued on this out and back trail I thought about how different my choice was because I typically prefer a loop to see new scenery but this trail was close and highly recommended so I opted for it. I also recognized that maybe there was a parallel to be made between the trail and all the out and back’s of the week. Revisiting places and then coming back out of that place.   

As mile 1 came and went and right around mile 2, my thoughts interrupted by the spotting of a turtle! If you know me you know I love turtles and lately I have been seeing them a lot and each time they are revealing something different to me. Unlike the previously seen turtles this one didn’t hide in its shell as I came closer. It was as if to say, “I don’t need to hide; I can be brave”. I recognized that perhaps I want to be like this turtle. Not hiding each time I am scared by something but brave enough to just continue being me and doing life. Less than a mile later, I noticed a rabbit. This rabbit reminding me of those I had growing up. My mind wondered back to childhood and having pets as I continued to put one foot in front of the other. 

At one point I wondered where the path was leading and then realized that actually my favorite trails are sometimes the new ones. The ones I don’t know where they are taking me. There is something new and fun and exciting about not knowing exactly where it is leading. Rather than being monotonous it is something new and different than what I am used to. I ran with this thought realizing that I actually don’t want my life to be full of paths I know but rather I want there to be some I don’t fully know. This led me back to the paths I have taken in my life not having any clue where they were leading and although scary at the time they led to some of the best adventures. They also required a strength and what I know to be true is that what is ahead in my life will likely also require a new strength.  

Almost immediately after this thought I ended up seeing a beautiful tree and initially was not going to stop. I decided to though because it felt right to stop and then right as I did pause to look up at the tree I also noticed a snake up ahead on the left side. It was a harmless black snake but for me any snake I see brings a surprise so I was grateful for this trail gift that invited me to stop right before the snake. It meant that rather than being surprised and adrenaline rushing I saw the snake and took a picture of it and then just continued on. My heart-rate the same and my body unalarmed. I could not help but to actually laugh because in EMDR we literally had talked about how often the past becomes present triggering a response and sometimes impacting us long-term or even leading to phobias. It made me think about how when we can pause and see our fear for what it is that we can perhaps look at it and then move through it or in this case run past it. 

Soon after the snake moment a tunnel appeared reminding me of the tunnels I went through this week in EMDR and also the ones I have gone through in life. Tunnels I have hid in or been stuck in. Tunnels I was not sure would ever open up or reveal the sunshine. They did though. Eventually I made it through the tunnel and could look back and see all that I had survived or learned while in the tunnel. 

Eventually the turnaround point happened and I found my flow in pace and rhythm. This was somewhere around mile 3. Soon after finding my flow though, a couple walking paused me and asked a question. I paused to answer and as I once again found my pace considered why I had paused. I did not have to stop but I chose to. Perhaps to be kind but also because I don't want my life to be only about getting to the finish line as quick as possible. It's about the process and the things along the way. The moments that bring life and joy and peace and curiosity and reflection. Today I stopped several times to pet a turtle;  notice a rabbit; look up; walk past a snake; watch an armadillo; and talk to two other humans. This is not to say I will not ever go out and run for time but I think there is an honoring of self that happens when we live with intentionality and when we are able to listen to what our hearts need. 

Not only am I grateful I listened to what my heart and soul needed but grateful for a turtle to remind me that movement is movement. That we don't have to navigate all of our stories or all the trauma in the world in one day. Instead simply be brave enough to come out of the shell and show up. To simply keep moving in a difficult world is enough. That pace matters less and bravery and coming out of the places we have hidden and being authentically us matters more.