Not "IF" but "WHEN"

Tonight as I reflect on my day, the words still linger, "Not IF, but WHEN". The morning started with a few individual therapy sessions, much like most Wednesday mornings. Then from there I had a mid-day book club meeting for work on my calendar and then 4 more back to back individual therapy sessions. I knew that it would be a day where I would hear a lot and be processing trauma with individuals. I knew that I would likely see tears and bear witness to a range of emotions. This was all expected within my day. I also assumed as I started the day that the easiest or lightest part of my day would be facilitating the lunch book club meeting and facilitating the discussion around the book "The Body Keeps the Score".  This is a book I have read multiple times and I felt rather prepared for the discussion and even with a few minor interruptions, the discussion was a win in my mind. 

As I walked out I had a brief discussion with a co-worker. She shared something that resonated with her from the book and her words hit me and continued to spin in my mind as I drove to my next appointment. She shared that based on our world she did not think about sexual assault as an "if encounter but a when". Her words were its "not if but when". I did not have the words. Part of me wanted to scream, "this is not okay with all the words" and another part of me felt, "she's right; this is such reality". 

Now hours later I still barely have the words. I think her words speak better than mine can. Even more than what she said was the HOW she said it. It was stated in a matter-of-fact way. Like "this is life". Like there was a resolve to this. Like this is just the world we live in. Like I need to plan accordingly and have a game plan for WHEN it happens. 

I thought back to my past few weeks. I thought back to the two times recently I have been hassled in various places. Once at a gas station and once outside an office. Both times people said inappropriate things to me, believing perhaps that they could. Perhaps they thought it was acceptable or perhaps they simply knew they could. These things happen frequently to so many, yet this does not make it okay. I refuse to believe it is okay or acceptable. 

I could remain quiet or say "this is just life". In the past perhaps I would have. As an advocate and therapist I have stood alongside people as they struggled to find their voice and I have sat with them as they cried talking about where their voice was taken or silenced. I too have walked a long journey of finding my own voice. I know that I cannot change what one person said to me at a gas station a few weeks ago or what a person said to me just last night but today I know I can use my voice and say "its not okay". 

It is not okay that we live in a world where anyone or perhaps even many believe "not if but when". I get it though. This belief comes from experiences and what is witnessed all around us. As I walked away from our brief exchange, I thought back to a moment where someone encouraged a team I was on to write a "not okay" list. He challenged us to write all the things we believed were not okay on that list, whether that be global issues or things we saw in the day to day of our lives. In that moment he might not have realized this but he offered me a tremendous gift. Validation that something was not okay. Later that night I wrote the list. It is a list that has determined so many of the choices in my life and it is a list that has been my guide in my ways. It has given me the courage to use my voice and to say "its not okay". It has granted me energy and ignited a passion in me to continue in my work as a therapist and advocate even on the longest and most tiring of days. 

So today, through a blog of imperfect words and a fatigued brain, to every person out there who is walking through the world believing that sexual assault is not an if but a when, please know that for me this is not okay and I believe we must do better. We are all deserving of a safer, better world where sexual assault is not the norm and is not assumed.