"On the other side of"

 

    Recently I was sitting at a coffee shop. This is not unusual for me but more like a daily occurrence. Just as common is me reaching for my headphones and as I am doing so, overhearing a conversation occurring nearby. These conversations are often about relationships, life, and often are ones that leave me wondering what would happen if they knew I was a therapist. I always wonder if they would change the conversation or if I would be asked questions. During these times of overhearing these conversations my brain is often screaming either “NO” or “YES”. Other times I want to go join the person and offer support. There was even one time I almost went and gave someone my business card. It was brutally painful the “advice” the person was being given as even more brutal to notice the tears in her eyes as she listening to what I called “unhelpful advice”. 

    During the most recent time, I was sitting and listening to a group of young people as they talked about a situation that had occurred in a college class. I heard just enough to find myself internally affirming with a loud internal "YES" to what they were saying. One person at this table shared about how a girl was having a panic attack in a college class and how as someone came close to her and touched her, she would lose it and would start to scream. The person then asked the rhetorical question, “what do you even do in that situation?”. There was a desperation and hopelessness about the way he asked this rhetorical question and I found myself wanting to interject and give a few possible options. More than that I simply wanted to affirm his question because it was a valid question and showed me care and his desire to offer support. He went on to say that there was another student in the class that told everyone else “someone do something”. The discussion continued over their cups of coffee and the group discussed how they felt this was shifting blame. One persons’ actual words were “YOU do something. Congratulations on shifting blame”. 

    As I continued with my work this made me think about how so often we shift blame to the victim or to others. Yes, perhaps this guy in class genuinely did not know what to do to help the girl and was recruiting someone else who knew more and yet I still think it points to several larger issues. One of these being personal responsibility for the way we respond and the ways in which we respond to others. 

    Within the same week of hearing this conversation, I personally experienced two different moments and the responses were on the opposite ends of the spectrum. One was trauma-informed and the other, clearly not. In one situation, I was responded to with kindness and the person attuned to where I was at in that particular moment. It was a singular moment but made a difference. In the other event, I was not responded to with validation or kindness at all but rather the response was one of invalidation, guilt, and fear-inducing. The situations, while somewhat similar, led to two drastically different responses. One of them led to feeling like I had won and it became a healing moment while the other led to feelings of frustration and a fear that a pattern was once again being repeated. 

I believe it really matters how we respond to others. Whether the person is experiencing a panic attack in a classroom; a trauma response from a big T trauma; or simply a moment of struggle, it matters so much the response this person is offered. Situations I am witness to or those I personally experience leave me either wanting to give the person a high five and tell them they nailed it or leave me with the desire to educate the person and our community on the best ways to respond to others. It truly does matter and I believe it is indeed possible to get it more right than not, especially when we are willing to engage the process and do what is required to grow.